When The Puzzle Doesn't Make Sense
When the puzzle doesn’t make sense..
So many times, I’ve wanted to give up on medical school (and I still do even as i type this). I’ve tried giving excuses like it’s not my passion (well..it really isn’t but there’s still some love in there), and some other flimsy excuses (they really aren’t flimsy but well...). So my academic life kind of has a red flag at the moment. I’m trying so hard to find the passion i need to make me want to study this thing called medicine...(Girl! you did not just call medicine a “thing”! You’re about the business of saving lives! Give yourself and the course some credit!!!). Let’s get to the point of this piece already.
Puzzles don’t make sense until you’re done bringing the pieces together. I’m going to be really honest with you.., lately, I’ve been breaking down on a regular basis. I’d be happy at one point and break down all of a sudden. Currently my life makes no sense to me. My course is really stressing me out! Other aspects of my life... well, they are just alright. But hey, I’ll be alright. I’ll be okay. Do you know why? I’ve got God and God’s got me!
I’ve been trying so hard to figure this puzzle out all by myself. Truth is, I am very very sensitive to what people say directly and indirectly (a truth i keep denying). My mind has a wonderful way of reading its own meaning into everything around me; people’s actions, words and every other thing that i encounter. So thing is, i could be very glad at a point where i think my Christian life is on cloud nine, and get crushed all of a sudden because someone decided to question my Christian life because of a flaw they had possibly seen in me. Funny thing is, i fail to realize that the words and actions i keep getting affected by, aren’t in any way helping me figure out what exactly this puzzle of a life is really all about.
Just before typing this piece, i broke down in tears. I was literally weeping. I have two exams i am not prepared for in any way; i don’t even know how to study or where to study or what to study. My spiritual life? Well i guess that’s all I’ve got. My love life? I don’t even think i know how it feels like to be loved despite my flaws. My academic life? I think all I’ve said so far should possibly give you a clue. But hey! My family life? Awesome!! My social life? Amazing!! There are so many things to be grateful for. And just because my life doesn’t make sense now, doesn’t necessarily mean this puzzle won’t be put together anytime soon.
We’ve all had our ups and downs and some of us are probably still going through the downs. But what is love if it’s all rosy and cozy. God’s love goes beyond that. He bends us ( sometimes real hard) but He makes sure we do not break. He won’t give us more than we can take. The puzzle might not make sense now but i choose to “build my hope on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.” Because “on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.” (Edward Mote, Composed 1863, published 1837). I suggest you do same.
Other people may judge you from a distance because they do not understand life’s puzzle is a process. Behaviors and circumstances change. Right now, you may be struggling with something so bad you probably want to give up. But how about you and i leaving it to the one person who can bring this puzzle together and give it a whole new meaning? One that really makes sense! How about we handing the puzzle (our lives) over to God?